"Which could mean nothing"

An incomplete list of signs I missed that I was transfem which are glaringly obvious in retrospect:

(Click to expand)

  • Used to stand in the shower, cover my hands and body in soapy water, blow giant bubbles through my fingers and press them to my chest and imagine i had boobs. Id even imagine what my skeleton looked like as i did this, because if someone could somehow only see my skeleton while I was doing it then i would be indistinguishable from a woman holding her breasts. I justified it to myself as probably part of my BE kink at the time but like, I wasn't sexually excited while I was doing that? I was just fascinated by the thought, Which could mean nothing...
  • Erp'd with strangers on the internet for YEARS and after doing so for a little bit, quickly concluded that it would be much more time efficient if I just "pretended" to be a woman. Ya know, cause like the erp population on those sites was mostly male and men aren't gonna just erp with another guy and stuff mhm no other reason. Mhm made a list of feminine names to refer to myself for this purpose as well Which could mean nothing...
  • Frequently got nosebleeds as a child and sometimes got them in the shower. Once I learned about periods I sorta stared at the blood mixing into the water sometimes wondering if that was what it was like (and then proceeding to judge myself harshly for daring to compare having a painless nosebleed to a period) Which could mean nothing....
  • Treated my EXTREMELY masculine deadname as "just a noise people use to get my attention" and absolutely hated when people would use nickname shortened variants of my deadname. (Because my brain had not yet successfully dissociated the gender from the less common variation) Which could mean nothing...
  • Made "hating sports" into a core aspect of my personality in elementary&high school. Which was definitely cause I just found them boring and definitely wasn't because I found the masculinity which permeates the culture around alot of them to be disgusting mhm. I just didn't enjoy the excited masculine shouting over pixels on a screen mhm Which could mean nothing... (I have come around on sports as a concept being fine)(except football, fuck football, why the fuck are we letting little kids give themselves brain damage for scholarship money, shits fucked)
  • Made "hating music" into a personality traits until I discovered listening to music through the internet sometime in high school and even then I was allergic to music that had any lyrics for A WHILE. Which might have had something to do with the fact the majority of music I listened to before that point was all "i sure to do love beer and my truck and saying misogynistic things about women ye-haw" country music. Which could mean nothing... (Admittedly this may have been more of a sign i wasn't straight than a sign i was trans because its not like i enjoyed the female country songs due to how much they focused on finding a man etc etc)(Side note, recently been listening to some lesbian covers of country songs from my youth and it has been a deeply healing experience lmao)
  • Never used to care about what i wore. Jeans and t shirt(sometimes a hoodie once i got fat) were my default and only outfit for the majority of my life. I just didn't care about fashion. Which could mean nothing...
  • Hated being called "handsome" I was allergic to compliments in general, but handsome always felt differently bad. Which could mean nothing...
  • Often felt "exposed" when going to swim, especially when I got fat but like most of that embarrassment was definitely centered around my chest. Which could mean nothing...
  • Was always turned off when the men in porn were in frame. For some reason I was unable to project myself into their place. Which could mean nothing...
  • Viscerally hated changing my shirt in front of anyone like in the locker rooms for gym class while I was in hs to the point where I would change in the bathroom stall until the gym teacher banned me from doing that (which was some bullshit.) Which could mean nothing...
  • Always struggled writing men any time I did anything creative. It always felt like every male character I invented was somehow like a cardboard cutout of a person meanwhile every woman I wrote had like, a personality. Which could mean nothing...
  • DM'd a dnd campaign for my younger brothers for years and because it was just the three of us I played as a DM-PC who was a lesbian teifling artificer and was my by far my favorite character to voice/interact as. Which could mean nothing...
  • Some of my most formative memories of the characters I enjoyed in media was the 2000s "edgy alt girl" archetype, ya know, the girl with like black hair and a pink stripe in her hair yeah that one. I was just really invested in those characters rather than the typically more plentiful male protagonists. For some reason. Which could mean nothing...
  • Growing up I(a blond-haired and blue-eyed "boy") always wanted to play as Rosalina(a pretty, blonde-haired blue-eyed princess) in Mario kart in spite of not even learning what game she was from until much later. Which could mean nothing... (Not that I ever did play as her, growing up I was always too scared of someone seeing me and questioning me so then I played as a distinctly genderless skeleton turtle until I transitioned and realized I could finally play as Rosalina without any voice in the back of my head)
  • When I first learned about queer folk I did so via Tumblr posts about them which were screenshoted and put on Pinterest. I was basically instantly sucked in and latched onto the community. I thought, "okay there's no way i don't have some kind of connection to this thing." Spent like a day trying to decide if I found men attractive in the slightest, quickly decided that they were gross and that i must simply be a ✨️Good Ally™️✨️ and lived like that for years. Because surely "gay man" is the only thing I could be and enjoying posts about lesbian romance was definitely me being creepy and I should stop "fetishisizing" lesbians in order to be a good feminist. WHICH COULD MEAN NOTHING.

(Stars, I wish more social media would allow me to do stuff like this i love makin cool html formating, it's my favorite thing to do, it's my kink /silly)

Link to my Ao3 Link to my Tumblr